


a sad invention

by demifool



Series: something better than these broken parts [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Connor Murphy (mentioned) - Freeform, Cynthia Murphy (mentioned) - Freeform, During Words Fail, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy (past) - Freeform, Gen, Heidi Hansen (Mentioned) - Freeform, Hurt No Comfort, Larry Murphy (mentioned) - Freeform, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, The Connor Project, The Murphys (Dear Evan Hansen), after words fail, and painful, ellison state park, its kinda both!, its sad, it’s already in the tags but MAJOR tw for explicit suicidal thoughts/suicide attempt, missed calls, this was written after midnight after being up since 6 am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 00:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21065408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demifool/pseuds/demifool
Summary: Evan looked around him. Ellison looked different in the dark. He could make out a path nearby.He’d practically spent ten minutes walking straight into the forest from the Murphy’s. It was right there. It worked.He looked down at his phone and hit post before he grasped the lowest branch of the nearest tree and started pulling himself up.———alternatively: what happens when someone points out that the part of words fail after the murphys leave sounds like a suicide note, and a fic writer who loves angst sees it.





	a sad invention

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello i apologize in advance!  
if you somehow missed the multiple tags about it  
TRIGGER WARNING: for a suicide note, explicit suicidal thoughts, and an explicit (though not graphic) suicide attempt.  
enjoy me trying to break ur hearts uwu

Evan’s fingers moved across the screen almost effortlessly. 

_ Dear the Connor Project Community, _

_ I have to admit something. I have to tell the truth.  _

He swallows. His eyes are still sore from crying. The light from his screen, the only light around, burns them. 

_ Connor and I weren’t friends.  _

_ We only talked twice. We were only classmates. I didn’t know him. I wish I did.  _

_ The letter posted tonight was mine. Not Connor’s. I had a therapy assignment. Write a letter to yourself. Dear Evan Hansen. Today is going to be a good day and here’s why.  _

He takes a hand from his screen to wipe the new tears forming away. 

_ Connor took the note from me after signing my cast. He didn’t write it. _

_ This was just a sad invention. It wasn’t real. I know that, but it made Connor’s family happy. It made so many people happy. I guess I couldn’t let that go. I couldn’t give that up. I hoped that maybe, if I just believed, I could hide from the truth. From how things actually are.  _

_ I wanted to pretend that I was something other than this. These broken parts. This mess that I am. Because then I don’t have to look at it. No one does. No one can really see everything  _ wrong  _ with me.  _

_ Before I learned anything about being found, I learned to stop. To press the brakes down before I’ve even turned the key. Stop myself before I can make a mistake, show people the worst of who I am. I never wanted anyone to see that part of me.  _

_ Because it’s terrifying. What if everyone saw that? Everyone knew that part of me? Would they like it, or would they hate it like I do?  _

_ Am I just going to keep running away from the truth? It feels like that’s all I ever do. How do I step into the sun? Let myself face it? _

_ I can’t.  _

_ To the community: I’m sorry. I lied to all of you. I lied to everyone. If the project falls because of my mistake, it would just be another mistake. The Connor Project is about so much more than the life of Connor Murphy. So much more than a fictional friendship. Let it live. Make the memorial orchard. Keep it going.  _

_ To Alana: I was a terrible co-president. I lied to you. I accused you of doing this for your college applications. There’s so much more to it. To you. Thank you for keeping the project together where I struggled.  _

_ To Jared: I hope your mom keeps paying your car insurance. I know we weren’t friends, but I liked you. You could be a funny person sometimes.  _

He took a deep breath. The rest would be the hardest. 

_ To Mom: I’m sorry. There’s nothing else I can say, I’m sorry. You believed in me and I’m letting you down. I lied to you. I’m sorry.  _

_ To the Murphy family: I already gave my explanation. It’s not a good one. It doesn’t excuse any of this. I’m sorry for lying to you about Connor. I’m sorry you lost him. I’m sorry for not correcting you when you first thought we were friends. I’m sorry for changing who Connor was. I’m sorry for adding another tragedy.  _

_ Most importantly, probably, to Connor: I’m sorry. I took advantage of your death. I hurt your family. I was probably one of the last people you talked to and I didn’t even know what would happen that night. I spent the next three days too wrapped up in my own problems to think about other reasons you were missing. I’m so sorry. I hope you like the orchard.  _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Evan Hansen. Ex-co-president.  _

Evan looked around him. Ellison looked different in the dark. He could make out a path nearby. 

He’d practically spent ten minutes walking straight into the forest from the Murphy’s house. It was right there. It worked. 

He looked down at his phone and hit post before he grasped the lowest branch of the nearest tree and started pulling himself up. 

After a minute, he started feeling his phone buzzing in his pocket. A quick glance, holding onto the tree with one arm, showed him that they were comments on his latest post. He couldn’t bring himself to read them. 

Ten more feet or so and his phone started ringing. He paused again, holding on with one arm, and checking. 

_ jared kleinman wants to videochat  _

Evan only thinks  _ he won’t have to bother for much longer _ before he puts his phone back in his pocket and keeps climbing. 

His mom was at work. She would see it later. 

_ She’ll be heartbroken _ . 

_ She’ll be glad to not have to spend money on you and your meds and your therapy.  _

He keeps climbing. 

He knows he’s higher than he was last time. He looks up and sees the stars, and a stunning full moon. Barely any clouds. 

The weather didn’t fit what Evan was doing. 

He looks down. He’s high enough. He’s high enough. 

Evan checks his phone one last time. 

Comments. A single message from Alana: “Evan? What’s going on?” A series of messages from Jared: “dude what the fuck” “pick up ur phone” “evan this isn’t fucking funny” “if you die im fucked pick up your goddamn phone” “im serious pick up please do not do whatever you’re planning on doing”. Missed calls from Jared. As he’s watching, his phone starts ringing again, with a different name: “Zoe” with a heart emoji. An actual phone call. The ringtone he’d picked out specifically for her. 

Evan rejects the call and puts his phone back in his pocket. 

_ They’ll all be better off.  _

_ You’re just a burden.  _

_ They won’t have to worry about you.  _

He doesn’t think about the aftermath of Connor’s suicide. He’s not thinking straight enough. 

Evan looks down to the forest floor. 

He’s high enough. 

His phone starts ringing again, Zoe’s ringtone playing clear through the air. It’s the only thing making a sound. 

He jumps. 

**Author's Note:**

> SO!!!!  
that happened!  
pls leave a comment/kudos/bookmark/curse or whatever  
i might make a sequel to this? or multiple? im not sure if i want to go the “it worked” route or the “it didn’t work” route so i might do both  
either way! there is more possible angst to come so if you liked this keep an eye out ;)


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